Spend your time constantly moaning things like, “this house is a tip”, “the washing goes IN the basket not on the floor or on top of it” and “ugh, why is everything so sticky” and eventually even your toddler will have a complex and take breaks when eating to clean their hands and their highchair.

I will admit that I am a moaner. A nag if you want to call it that. No matter how hard I try, my house is always a mess. It’s not dirty, my arsenal of cleaning products and equipment see to that but it is never tidy. We have three meals a day but apparently 25 snacks because there are ALWAYS dishes needing done. I feel like I wear the same outfits over and over again but the washing basket always overflows. Sometimes I think that I must have other children living here that I’ve just forgotten about, there’s that much damn stuff everywhere! I know my nagging has affected my children, my son takes his shoes off as soon as he comes in and puts them in the basket in the hall. He knows where everything in kitchen belongs. If you are cooking something in the grill and he sees it open, he will take the handle off, put it in the drawer and close the grill door. (This has its drawbacks because I then usually forget I’m cooking something and am left with charred remains and no food). My daughter claims my son has “trashed” her room if he has left even one of his toys on her floor. Somehow, however, my husband is oblivious to this. Every now and then he will say that I don’t do anything in the house but the cutlery and dishes everyone uses appear back in their cupboards, the clothes we wear are magically back in the drawers clean, the floors are swept and fresh, the bath and sinks are sparkling and there is no dust on any surfaces or ornaments. I tell you, those house fairies are bloody fantastic!

I will come in from work and the house will look like it’s a really shit snow globe that has been shook up and when I have finally tidied up and start feeling smug with myself, my husband will bring me back down to earth with a thud by bragging that he has just levelled up on the Xbox. I will look at him with my, “are you freaking kidding me” eyes. He will mope and say, “you don’t even care about my achievements”. I will question my life choices. He will say, “well what have you actually done all night”. My eyes will glow red and I will start to resemble the hulk and he will claim that he is “only joking”. Aye pal, you are a regular fucking Kevin Bridges.

I really don’t want my kids to feel bad about mess but I forget how impressionable they are. Maia is basically my clone personality wise and my family will say “she’s her mother’s daughter” when she sasses them but Myles baffles me. We are so different and have nothing in common except our DNA. It’s weird because we spend the most time together, he is never more than 3 feet away from my side but we are like awkward roommates that don’t know what to say to each other. I think that’s why he doesn’t speak. One day I’m sure we will take him to the doctors to discuss his lack of speech and he will just come out and say, “oh, I can speak, I just don’t want to talk to her, she’s a bit weird”.